I’ve accumulated in me burdens of shame, chaotic tumult, mountains of confusions and convictions ignored.
This hurts (like a surgeons knife a valuable and temporary pain – when the knife is held well) to the point of tears; over remorse and mortification of my willful ignorance. I’m amazed at how the predilection in me is to pout instead of do; how I’ve wasted my Lord’s time. This book is tough for me to read but is that why I neglect prayer and Bible reading? Same reason? The harm of this weakness is overwhelmingly destructive and humiliating. And wimpy, weakening muscles needing constant work – no wonder I’m stuck and can’t move!!
How can I say I wan’t Him. love Him, WORSHIP Him if I ignore even one sin He reveals to me that flagrantly casts this horror of pride, destitute negligence and hate of God in His face? What am I doing? What won’t I do to my Savior, my Holy God?!? Oh that this would end.
Read His Word, take on the humbling, gracious gift of prayer as a cloak and a succor and a balm and wash in the blood – every nook, every cranny, every fiber, every crevice dark, dank and filthy. How can I come to the throne of my thrice holy, magnificent God if I’ve been covered in His blood only to wash it off as soon as possible! Only to allow it penetrate so far and no more! Only to allow it cleanse a little here, some more there, not AT ALL in this place!!!
O God! Why have I neglected you and your precepts?! Father, give to me the greatest desire to have faith, to conquer sin, to move mountains – but I don’t want to pray or study or read or set time aside for only You! How can I deceive myself like this?
What haven’t I done? Take it all away. Just like the simplest Sunday School lessons taught at the earliest years – take it all away. Wash ALL of me in your blood. Cleanse my dearest sin from me! It reviles the only thing that matters to me, it disgusts and fills with perfect hate the only One who can sustain me, it sours the only pure relationship I can have and it sends me spinning into confused, chaotic and fruitless endeavors that no matter what, couldn’t possible serve You.
Empty me! Fill me with the Comforters guidance and love. Fill me with Your goodness; Your greatness. Empty me and take me to do and to will of your good pleasure because I only wish to hate myself and only to Love You!
To Your glory, Father, Amen.